Help! I've Been Robbed!

Somebody stole the little junk that I had in my trunk! Seriously...I mean it. My panties don't fit anymore. Yes, I said my panties don't fit anymore. Stop laughing. I never had a whole lot of junk in my trunk to begin with and now I'm about to suffer from flat ass syndrome. Now don't get me wrong, I'm loving the weightloss and my new body. But nobody told me about losing my ass. And, yes I was too clueless to put two and two together and figure it out on my own. I'm trying not to complain, really. But it sucks. I've never had a big ass, but at least it was nice. Now it's starting to deflate. How am I supposed to pull off being Janet Jackson if I don't have an ass? Yeah at first people will be fooled, but then once I turn around they are going to be like what the hell! So now I have to take money out of my soon to be hired bodyguards (to protect me from the ravaging fans) to pay for ass pads. Cause I just refuse to get plastic ass surgery. Do they make ass pads in cotton? Cause you know, I need breathable material.