*Sigh*

I just can't seem to get it together. I really want to lose weight, but I'm so not motivated to do it. I'm both annoyed and disgusted with myself. I hate looking at myself in a mirror and if I do, it's only from the neck up. I just feel fat. I can't blame anyone but myself. I haven't been to the gym since week 1 and part of that has been because my husband is technically out of town and with the boys being out of school for summer, I can't find the time. However, that's no real excuse. Especially, since I have so many workout programs here at home--Taebo, Sweating with the Spirit, Step Aerobics, Jump for Fitness, FitTV, and so many other things. There's no reason for me to be like this, but I can't help it. Most days I just want to sleep. I'm always so tired. And, I know it's because of the anemia, but I'm on iron pills now so that should be getting better soon.

But, still. I have no will power whatsoever. I might as well rename myself Fatty McFat Fat. I didn't need that extra hot dog or chicken nuggets, or McDonald's, or any of the crap I've been eating. I wanted it and I told myself I didn't care. But I did, I've always cared. I eat now and cry later. That's been my philosophy for so long. I know how to eat healthy and make smarter choices, but I don't. I give into the fat person who lives inside me that will soon break out if I don't control her. I just don't have the motivation to do so. I just want to take pity on myself. But what good does that do? Nothing, it just makes me fatter because I'm being a slump on the sofa or in bed.

I don't know. I know I need to get off my ass and move it. I know my kids and husband should be my motivation. In fact, I should be my motivation. I know I want to be around to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary, to see my boys graduate college, to help my future daughter find a wedding dress. Why can't I get off my ass? Why am I not motivated? I keep asking myself that when I know what my motivation is, but don't know how to accomplish my goal.

*sigh*